Been a couple days since I’ve put anything down on paper, or on screen I guess. The week has been a complete blur. Wanted to fill in some holes for whoever may be reading this, but I’m blank. I feel like I’ve worked myself stupid all week; all hours, and for what? It feels like absolutely nothing, all striving, no thriving. I go through this cycle daily of feeling like a complete failure and total burden to those around me, to having this total commitment to success, this knowing that I can do it, that I’m on the write track, you know, that I GOT THIS spirit. I know there’s more in me than I’m delivering on a daily basis, I know that I gotta keep going. But at times it feels like there’s so much pulling me to give up, so many thoughts that tell me go get a “real” job, go beat your ass into the ground so someone else can get paid, go fund someone else’s dreams with your blood, sweat , and tears.
The hardest thing any of us has to do is overcome ourselves.
Man do I hate me, I know my faults, my weaknesses, my wrong mindsets, and boy do I go for ’em. The devil is real peeps, and he’s alive and he’s living on the inside, feeding on the lies the world has told you, fertilizing the the memories of past hurts unresolved, tending to them until their roots set in deep in your mind. And then everywhere you look, you see what they want you see.
The un-renewed mind is our greatest enemy.
But it has been defeated. And it can be renewed. And it doesn’t have to be as hard as I make it. Christ has overcome all, but He is a choice. A choice you gotta make every second of everyday. Life so gets in the way making that choice. Its so easy to get sucked into the daily grind and forget. If I can give on piece of advice it would be to do whatever it takes not to forget that. Run to Him at any second, at any place, run.
There were days years ago that I wouldn’t of made it through without running to him, almost every second of the day. The battle was raging, full force, my spirit was sold out, but something had my mind, my soul and was trying to take my body as well. I couldn’t get of bed most days with a pill and certainly not without prayer. Every night I had to get a glass of water and a pill and sit it next to my bed, like an old man. ‘Cus I literally had to take it before I would get out of the safety of my bed. I’d pray, take my meds, pray, take a deep breath and drag my myself out of bed, and pray pray pray all day long, meds may have come again too. I’m so thankful that today I don’t have to do that anymore, well the meds at least,(almost 5 years now). I can get out bed without prayer I just choose not to.
There’s no reason to.
But somehow I have let some old thoughts creep back in. I guess its a real good thing I have taken this ground before, I know the terrain and I will not be defeated. Let the battle rage on, victory has been secured for me.
Well I started with “blank” and then went in 5 directions. Not sure I ran any those all the way through. But I am glad I sat down to try to fill some holes in, not sure I filled any in for those reading but I surely filled in some for myself. This thing will go somewhere, not looking like it’s going where I intended it to go, But His ways are not our ways and He knows the beginning from the end, so if you wanna see where this goes keep checking back. J__Red